WHY BILL, NOT HILL
By George Held
Rhinebeck, NY (INS). Now that the wedding of Chelsea Clinton has taken place, among the mysteries shrouding her nuptials in this Brigadoon on the Hudson is why the former First Daughter nagged only her father, President Bill Clinton, to lose 20 pounds before the ceremony took place and not her mother, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. INS (Infauxtainment News Service) has investigated this matter and discovered beneath the mist that Bill, not Hill, is the parent with whom Chel has the most pull.
“Daddy has always been a softie when it comes to heeding his daughter’s wishes,” said Rolanda Fluff, Ms. Clinton’s aide de camp. When Chelsea said “lose 20,” Bill lost 30. According to Ms. Fluff, “The President also secretly wanted to be as thin as his buddy George H.W. Bush, so he used this opportunity to trim down to Papa’s size.”
Ms. Fluff added that Bill looked so somber walking the bride down the aisle because his waistline had shrunk so much that he thought his trousers were about to fall off, a condition known as “an Arkansas hoedown.”
Asked why Chelsea didn’t ask her mother likewise to lose weight, Ms. Fluff hinted at an Electra complex or a reverse Oedipus complex in the Clinton family. “Chelsea feels a bit
beauty challenged and didn’t want a svelte mother to receive all the compliments at the wedding,” she explained. “Remember, it was a slim Hill for whom Bill fell at Yale Law School. A chubby mummy keeps all eyes, including Daddy’s, on Chelsea.”
Spokespersons for the groom, Marc Mezvinsky, would say only that he has less than 6% body fat and that Chelsea thinks his bod is “sculpted to the max.”
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