By George Held

Rhinebeck, NY (INS). Now that the wedding of Chelsea Clinton has taken place, among the mysteries shrouding her nuptials in this Brigadoon on the Hudson is why the former First Daughter nagged only her father, President Bill Clinton, to lose 20 pounds before the ceremony took place and not her mother, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. INS (Infauxtainment News Service) has investigated this matter and discovered beneath the mist that Bill, not Hill, is the parent with whom Chel has the most pull.

“Daddy has always been a softie when it comes to heeding his daughter’s wishes,” said Rolanda Fluff, Ms. Clinton’s aide de camp. When Chelsea said “lose 20,” Bill lost 30. According to Ms. Fluff, “The President also secretly wanted to be as thin as his buddy George H.W. Bush, so he used this opportunity to trim down to Papa’s size.”

Ms. Fluff added that Bill looked so somber walking the bride down the aisle because his waistline had shrunk so much that he thought his trousers were about to fall off, a condition known as “an Arkansas hoedown.”

Asked why Chelsea didn’t ask her mother likewise to lose weight, Ms. Fluff hinted at an Electra complex or a reverse Oedipus complex in the Clinton family. “Chelsea feels a bit beauty challenged and didn’t want a svelte mother to receive all the compliments at the wedding,” she explained. “Remember, it was a slim Hill for whom Bill fell at Yale Law School. A chubby mummy keeps all eyes, including Daddy’s, on Chelsea.”

Spokespersons for the groom, Marc Mezvinsky, would say only that he has less than 6% body fat and that Chelsea thinks his bod is “sculpted to the max.”

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By George Held

New York (INS). Sponsors of the mosque to be located two blocks from the World Trade Center announced today that they will merge the house of worship with a mini-WalMart on the ground floor of the planned Moslem cultural center.

Sheik Rabid al-Hashish, the mosque’s Saudi patron, told INS that in view of the resistance of some Americans to placing the mosque close to the former business towers, where a hundred Moslems were also killed on 9/11, “We shall now place a business in our ground floor. This new compromise should appeal to Americans’ sense of propriety and fair play.”

Rep. Peter Queen, the rabid right wing ethnic from Queens, said, “Now the Pita Eaters are talking! New Yorkers and tourists alike will flock to the new WalMart, rebuilding the Downtown economy and enhancing our faith in the Founders’ idea that the business of America is business.”

Asked about the effect of the WalMart on worshipful Moslems, Rep. Queen said that he expected most of them to “stop and shop. If they still want to ride the elevator to the inner sanctum with all their purchases, that’s fine with me.”

Meanwhile, in Walton, AR, Henry E. Kracker, a stock clerk at the local WalMart, opined that “me and my fellow Tea Partiers plan to combine a trip to the USS Intrepid with a big shop-in at the mosque WalMart as soon as it opens.”

In Peyote, CA, Zappa Hemp, a local horticulturist, murmured, “My tribe will pass on the WalMart trip, but we wanna ride them elevators high, man. Know what I’m sayin’?”

In the nation’s capital, President Obama remained unsure of his position on the mosque, but an anonymous insider reported him to be leaning toward joining Mr. Hemp’s tribe.

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by Pete Grossman

That’s right, this guy named “High” ate us, so we have to go through his system and come out the other end – smelling like roses of course. We expect to exit from High in a week or so and return to you then. Meanwhile, all of us here at the Internet’s #1 fake news site/blog wish you an abundance of silliness as we pause during these dog days of summer. In the meantime, plug a word or phrase into the search box and see what pops up from the Infuax archive. You’ll be surprised.

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George Held, Infauxtainment’s Chief Correspondent, has gone off for a bit of well-deserved R&R. However, before bolting, he left us with some verse to ponder:

The Former Inner Circle

Cheney, your code name was “Angler.”
You’re bad as the Boston Strangler.

Though you went to Princeton, Rummy,
You pursued the policies of a dummy.

Don’t claim, Wolfowitz, your sins were few;
Some would still hate you for being a Jew.

Ashcroft, after AG the AG replaced you,
We started to miss your absent virtue.

You gave up, Condi, concert piano.
Why didn’t you give up politics pronto?

W, you were morally defective.
How to address you without invective?

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By Chuck Bauer

Recently New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg supported not giving a building near Ground Zero landmark status, clearing the way for constructing a Muslim mosque and community center. Bloomberg’s decision has brought him great criticism. “To hell with the naysayers,” said the elfin billionaire, “This Islamic center will be a place for growth. I understand many pilot programs will be taught there.”

In the coming weeks the mayor plans to unveil a sculpture of David Berkowitz, break ground for the Manson Family Day Care Center, and open up the Unabomber Science Museum.

In other New York City political news, State Representative Charlie Rangel’s alleged failure to report over $600,000 in revenue and inappropriate fundraising practices continue to dog him. Rangel, who says he’s done nothing wrong nonetheless is cutting deals to save both his job and  what’s left of his reputation.

To appease his critics, The New York Times reports Rangel has pledged to reduce the number of Three Card Monte games he bankrolls around Manhattan by 10 percent, while The Huffington Post says Rangel will stop selling Town Hall bathroom fixtures on Ebay using the identity WaysandMeans2010.

Infauxtainment attempted to interview the beleaguered politician for this article but a rep from Rangel’s office said he was busy attending a groundbreaking ceremony with Mayor Bloomberg for the Bernard Madoff Luxury Retirement Complex.

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By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Andrew Lloyd Weber, whose smash hit, Phantom of the Opera, continues to set records on the world’s stages, has agreed to compose the musical score for The New York Times best-seller, Afghanistan War Logs. “The material is great,” said Weber. “Plus there is no shortage of talent in the Pentagon. There are any number of song-and-dance men among the senior staff who have expressed interest in auditioning.”

General David Petraeus, commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, was asked during an interview in Kabul whether he would audition. “Yes, I’m thinking seriously of taking on the lead role. I’ve always been great at anything I’ve attempted and would likely use my high school nickname, ‘Peaches,’ as my stage name.”

The Pentagon reported that General Petreus sings in the choir at Washington’s Church of the Fabricated Annunciation, which made headlines recently when parishioner Lady Gaga led a holy roll through the church’s Gethsemane Garden. A few pansies were crushed, but all the threatened lawsuits were subsequently dropped.

At his weekly briefing, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was elated: “I see this as a great opportunity to tell the story of the American fighting man from a new perspective. With a few catchy tunes, the plight of the soldiers and Marines in the trenches won’t seem so bad. You can get all the blood and mayhem you want playing video games. Let’s bring a little joy into the lives of the American people and leave the violence where it belongs—in some Third World cesspool.”

Outside the St. James Theater in New York City, where the musical American Idiot is now playing, theatergoer Betty Noire summed up the reaction of the crowd: “I mean, where is Afghanistan anyway? In Canada?”

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Special to Infauxtainment by George Held

New York, NY (INS) – Alex Rodriguez, All-Star third baseman for the Champion Yankess, has announced his retirement from Major League Baseball. The fabled A-Rod has played his last game and will end his career with 599 home runs, a number he has been stuck on since July 23, 2010.

“I give up,” Rogriguez told Yankees beat reporters when announcing his retirement. “I gave it my best shot, but the pressure is too much. I don’t need all this agita” in trying to become the sixth player ever to hit 600 homers.

Critics of the slugger said that he has never handled pressure well and rarely got clutch hits for Seattle, Texas, or the Yankees, the teams he played for. Vinnie Garbanzo, head of the Bleacher Creatures in the old Yankee Stadium, complained that A-Rod left him doubly frustrated with the team: “First, they raise the prices in the new stadium so high I can’t even afford the bleachers no more, and now that bum Alex Rodriguez gets stuck at 599. I’m glad he’s packing it in.”

But Rodriguez’s fans, including Annette Funicular of the Bronx, say they’ll miss the star. “I ain’t going to anymore games,” she said. “If I can’t see that great bod at third base, if I can’t scream for him to hit the big 600, I’m going to the Jersey Shore for the rest of the season.”

YES, the Yankees Sports Network, is worried about falling ratings without their star in the lineup. YES lawyers are working with Rodriguez’s agent to try to hold him to his $30 million per year contract. But unless he un-retires, A-Rod’s Cooperstown line will read, Homers—599.

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By Chuck Bauer

BP announced its recent effort to recap the leaky pipe in the Gulf Coast seems to be working. While a sigh of relief could be heard throughout the company’s brain trust offices, BP execs were not resting on their laurels, and have a backup plan prepared and ready for action.

“Condoms,” proclaimed BP spokesman Felix Puff. “When you break things down to their most basic form, we need something to physically block the ejaculation of oil.”

Long seen as the trendsetters in the field of prophylactics, Trojan has been officially commissioned by the oil giant to develop the world’s largest condom just in case any more oil leaks from the head of the pipe. Chief product developer Stubby Ironrod is more than confident that the 1,000 foot Jimmy Hat will be effective.

“The Spill Blocker, as we are calling it, is elastic, waterproof and durable, allowing it to fit comfortably over the tip of the pipe. Once installed, robots can easily roll the condom down its shaft to prevent further damage and protect against Sea Tainted Diseases (STD’s).” Ironrod further explained the Spill Blocker, “will impede the path of oil from traveling through the Gulf region, and its ribbed exterior will allow for quick and easy removal and disposal once pressure has stopped building and the last of the oil has trickled out.”

While happy to be involved more broadly than ever imagined in prevention efforts, Ironrod wishes his company’s giant sheath was more than a backup plan. “BP wanted to go with us first, but the Roman Catholic Church got wind of it and threatened a public ethical campaign denouncing BP and questioning its true intentions,” Ironwood explained. “It appears they believe our condom will promote further promiscuous pipe laying and drilling without proper future planning.” The Pope could not be reached for comment.

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by Pete Grossman

Just when you were starting to get into the summer groove during the sweet beauty of July, there’s some killjoy advertising a Back-To-School sale. Case in point, Sony.

Recently the electronics powerhouse featured Justin Timberlake in its big Sunday New York Times color insert with the headline “Bring your media together just in time for back to school.” Hey! Sony! It’s freakin’ July! “just in time” is a few days before teachers bitch about executing their lesson plans. You know, somewhere around August 31st!

Unfortunately, the Sony promo is indicative of companies trying to cash in as early as possible for any event or holiday. But leave it to Target, Toys R Us and Wal-Mart to take this idea into the absurd. These companies are advertising “Christmas in July” – not for items to use today, but for items to buy today to stock up for Christmas!

“How long does it take you people to shop?” Lewis Black famously asks. “It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween and Santa wasn’t pokin’ his ass into it!”

So what’s behind this whole back-to-school promotion in July? Life coach expert to school administrators, Sheldon Grindstone says, “We can’t let children be free too much. It makes it harder for them to get their minds back into reality. What do you suppose would happen if we didn’t teach adults the same kind of thing – that they must be occupied 24/7? Productivity would come to a halt. We have to ingrain the same beliefs into kids. Why do you think most schools have required reading over the summer? Just like adults, kids must constantly be in fear, understanding that they’ll die if they don’t work. How else are they going live?”

Grindstone then excused himself and took a call from Howard Stringer, President of Sony.

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By George Held

Washington (INS). The Senate Committee on Subversive Activities has brought lefthanded marriage into play in an effort to stop a bill legalizing gay marriage. Arguing that no one is more suspect or queer than lefties, Sen. John Kyl (R-OK) introduced his bill to criminalize marriage between two lefthanders.

“If we are going to even debate the issue of unnatural practices,” the Senator told the committee in session, “we need to start with lefties. They may be only 11% of the population, but they include 38% of the troublemakers,” he said, flourishing a new report from the Gingrich Institute, which outs lefties including Harry Truman, Bill Clinton, and Babe Ruth.

“At least, these rabble-rousers had the decency to wed righthanded women,” the Senator continued. “But can you imagine the potential damage to society if Hillary Clinton was also a lefty?”

“Marriage is an institution reserved for the union of not only a man and a woman but of one righthander with another–or at least between a righty and a lefty.”

Kyl said that gay marriage is more problematic than lefthanded marriage, because gays could pass as straight in some cases. “But lefties,” the Senator opined, “can always be detected by their illegible handwriting or the crazy way they hold their pens or by the way they struggle to use a scissors or to walk and chew gum at the same time. At least Gerry Ford married a righty—Betty Ford used to down her shots with her right hand.”

At press time, Senators were too concerned with policing the lefthandedness in their own families to debate Sen. Kyl’s bill.

About George Held

Filed under: Misc, National News, celebrity, complaining, gay rights, hipocracy, language, law, politics, psychology, racism | 12 Comments »