By Pete Grossman

New York (INS). There’s always some celeb or well-known person who can’t hang on until January 1st and screws up the “In Memoriam” roster that many journalists have been compiling since, well January 1st.

“You’d think by the last week in December nobody else is going to kick off that’s newsworthy, so you write the articles, cut the video and get it out to the public,” says Tim Reaper, of the Associated Press. “Then someone goes an dies after we’ve combed through the year and painstakingly put together farewell pieces that make people say ‘Oh, I didn’t know that!’ or ‘I forgot about them!’ which we live for. Then Bam! Some self-important idiot has to kick the bucket and screw it all up!”

When asked why news organizations don’t wait until January 1st to release these lists, Reaper replied “Like everything else today we need to stay ahead of the competition. In fact, I’m hearing some news organizations will start publishing and broadcasting their lists before the Christmas shopping season starts, so you should see lists popping up in July.”

Infauxtainment asks, who do you think is going to screw up the death list? Post your thoughts below and share.

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By Bill Britton

Special to INS — In the wake of yet another former employee of the National Restaurant Association stepping forward and accusing Herman Cain of sexual harassment, the presidential candidate declared that “the Democrat machine has shifted into high gear.” In an interview with MSNBC’s Ishmel Arat, Cain denied having groped the accuser: “Have you seen her? That pig should be honey-baked, chopped up, and sprinkled on top of a Godfather’s Super Hawaiian pizza.”

The latest accuser, Velvet Tweeters, now a mermaid at Weeki Wachee Springs in Florida, had this to say about the incident: “Mr. Cain used the same approach he did with all the other gals. He said, ‘You’re about the same height as my wife,’ and leveled his hand at chin height. He then lowered his hand to his waist and said, ‘But I wish she was this tall.’ I told my supervisor, but he said it was just Cain’s way of making people feel at home.”

The steady flow of Cain accusers has dominated network TV for the past month, so much so that Mexico’s invasion and subsequent annexation of Texas has gone unnoticed. Texas governor Rick Perry is now in custody in the Juarez city jail entertaining his fellow cellmates with a reenactment of his much-loved New Hampshire speech. That speech inspired candidate Mitt Romney to show off his Macarena dance skills at a campaign rally in Iowa.

Rumors that Romney is considering Cain as his running mate are circulating inside the Washington Beltway. Romney aide Torvid Hinckley thinks it appeals to the basic tenets of Mormonism and Christian fundamentalism: womanizing and closet drinking. “The Mormons would love it,” said Hinckley. “It’s a great opportunity to bring back polygamy and restore women to their rightful place in society—on their backs and in the kitchen.”

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Tags: Godfather's Pizza, Herman Cain, Herman Cain's Wife, mitt romney, Morman, morman undergarments, Mormanisim, mornman underwear, National Restaurant Association, Perry, Rick Perry, Texas, underwear
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By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Liam Breton, who fell short in his attempt to incite a national rebellion, has decided to run for U.S. President on the Luddite Party ticket. The Luddite Party was founded by Breton in response to the failure of the major political parties to address the loss of national purpose caused by a preoccupation with iPhones, iPads, and iPods, among other iStuff. [Ed. note: The Luddites were a movement in 19th-century England that viewed the textile machines of the Industrial Age as inherently evil.]

“We must return to our roots,” said Breton, “and toss these devices into the dustbin of history. Steve Jobs is dead — Long live Steve Jobs! — but let’s get his legacy out of our lives before Apple’s latest device, the iSelf, is implanted into the cerebral cortex of every newborn baby.” As noted in an earlier press release, the iSelf was Jobs’ last project at Apple. It is a WiFi-enabled unit that merges PC functionality with 4G networks and a virtual monitor located on the inside of the forehead.

Ron Paul, the libertarian candidate and darling of the Tea Party, was quick to respond to Breton’s announcement: “Who’s this guy think he is? I’ve been a Luddite ever since I began wiping my ass with leaves at age three. What this country really needs is to toss aside all government agencies and all those other things that have corrupted the American dream, from municipal sewer systems to hospitals. Let’s get back to basics and have disease and pestilence cull the weak from society.”

Michelle Bachmann, former darling of the Tea Party, whose demented eyes have frightened away her most ardent supporters, has now laid claim to being an early Luddite as well: “I burned my bra in seventh grade. My credentials can be seen whenever the temperature dips below 65 degrees.”

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Lady Gaga Set To Meat Up With Them

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Republican National Committee (RNC) may organize a potato-sack race to eliminate the uncertainty over its eventual presidential nominee. Although Mitt Romney has consistently polled 25% of Republican voters, that is not enough to ensure his nomination. Because of this dilemma, the RNC felt it had no alternative but to formulate a more objective nominating process.

Ground rules are still being discussed, but a member of the committee leaked several to this reporter. The event will take place in Tropicana Field in Tampa, the host city for the nominating convention. The race course will be 100 yards in length, with female candidates given a 10-yard advantage. Although Michelle Bachmann is the only announced female, it is expected that Sarah Palin will enter because she completed a course in sack racing at Wasilla Adult Community Organization (WACO) in Alaska.

Former Texas Tech cheerleader Rick Perry has objected to the plan based on the medical fact that people like him with no necks cannot generate the proper body motion to compete effectively. Perry suggests that a modified greased-pig contest be held, with Lady Gaga dressed in a Bikini top and thong and slathered with Texas barbeque sauce.

A surging Herman Cain—and Godfather’s Pizza CEO—volunteered five gallons of marinara sauce to use instead, but the RNC feels that barbeque is more in the American tradition and is consistent with Lady Gaga’s fondness for meaty attire. The celebrity performer has promised that her outfit will be in good taste.

Ron Paul has denied accusations of blood doping to enhance his chances: “I don’t need blood. Unlike the other candidates, I don’t have to spend $9.88 for a mask at Wal-Mart. What you see is what you get, fear-wise, that is.”

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Stage “Occupy East 10th Street”

By George Held

New York (INS). Fed up with the occupation of their office sites on Wall Street, millionaire bankers and stock brokers staged a counteroffensive and took limousines to East 10th Street, where they exited their vehicles and occupied Tompkins Square Park, a place known for left-wing dissidence. The millionaires brandished Kinko-made signs saying, “End Occupy Wall Street Now!” “Nimby This!” and “Laissez-faire Forever!”

One of the demonstrators, Chauncey Mukherjee, a trader at JP Morgan who lives in Darien, CT, told INS, “We millionaires are mad as hell, and we’re not going to take it anymore.” A colleague on Wall Street, Diana Ballesteros, of the Upper East Side, added, “We aim to show the rabble how to really occupy a site,” as she rolled out her Abercrombie & Fitch aluminum-frame tent. “We work hard for our 7-figure incomes and we are not about to cede them on account of those who are too lazy to find a job,” she said, alluding to the Occupy Wall Street crowd.

Among the grievances of the millionaires, said Prep Vance, a hedge-fund partner, are having to share street space with the hordes of anti-government demonstrators who have descended on Wall Street to make various vague demands on the financial system, the press- reports that side with the protestors, and the face time that TV gives the intruders while ignoring the self-important denizens of the temples of capitalism.

One nostalgist at Tompkins Square Park fondly recalled the model for defense of elitism, the late William F. Buckley, Jr. “If Bill Buckley were still around,” he said, “he’d give the anti-capitalists a tongue lashing that would make them ashamed to have tried to clog the wheels of finance.”

Meantime, INS has learned that Vinnie from Staten Island has called on morose Yankees fans, who are mourning the team’s early exit from the post-season, to join him and other diehard fans for Occupy the Stadium beginning this Saturday in the Bronx.

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By Bill Britton

Special to INS. The 20-year-old satellite that crashed into Earth last week had a roughly 1-in-3,200 chance of hitting a person, NASA officials claimed. The Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, or UARS (pronounced: you-arse), apparently missed the planet’s 7 billion people but shrapnel did hit Gunnar Daligson’s prize bull, Big Johnson, in Willard, Wisconsin.

A broken-hearted Daligson told CNN’s Chris Jansing, “That piece of space junk slammed into the bullpen, and a flying gate hinge castrated Big Johnson quick as a wink. He’s been bellowing one octave higher ever since. Poor feller just stares into his hay trough or bends over looking ‘tween his forelegs.”

White House Liaison David Noble stated that “NASA regrets the castration and will reimburse Mr. Daligson as soon as Congress agrees on Washington’s latest debt-reduction plan. President Obama later denied he pressured NASA to re-program the satellite’s path to hit Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s home.”

Several other pieces of debris landed near the Cadillac Ranch in Amarillo, Texas. Local resident Bobby-Joe Killicat gathered them up and put them on display in an old Winnebago across from the ranch. He said, “My cousin Eldred works at the International UFO Museum in Roswell and started talking in tongues when I told him the chunks fell into my back yard. Armageddon is a-comin’!”

Presidential candidate Rick Perry blamed the Obama administration for the breakup of the satellite: “The President must explain to the American people how this could happen. When I’m elected, my administration will install a shield over America to deflect space junk.”

When told of the impracticality of such a shield, Perry responded by saying, “With the Lord’s help all things are possible, with the exception of maybe asking Him to rain on Texas He sure as Hell screwed that one up.”

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By Pete Grossman

New York, NY (INS) Citizens throughout America report that they’re happy it’s 9/12, relieved that the stress of 9/11 is finally over.

“I had so much anxiety leading up to the tenth anniversary of 9/11,” one New Yorker confessed. “The thought of being cordial to strangers and talking to my neighbors was almost unbearable.”

“And to think I may have to ask for help from my fellow human being one day shows that I could be vulnerable,” another citizen confided. ” Every time 9/11 comes around I’m reminded of this. I just can’t take the pressure. Glad I don’t have to start thinking about it again until next year.”

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By Bill Britton

Austin, TX (INS) Texas Governor Rick Perry said today that, if elected President, he would put in motion a secession plan for the nation’s capitol, Washington, D.C. The recently announced presidential candidate hinted several years ago that Texas could secede should the Federal Government become too burdensome. “I believe it’s best if Washington leaves the Union,” said Perry. “This would allow the 50 states to become independent entities with their own armed forces and tax rates, which in the case of Texas would be zero. And since everyone over age 5 has a gun, every Texan’s security is a done deal.”

MSNBC reporter Chuck Todd challenged Perry’s plan, saying that the Constitution would prohibit secession. Perry responded by accusing Todd of being a “spokesman for liberal extremism and a secular humanist, the most ungodly mix imaginable. Besides, the good old boys on the Supreme Court are on my side. If they had the balls to call corporations ‘individuals’, they sure as hell won’t hesitate to call the states ‘countries’.”

Michelle Bachmann, the Tea Party’s poster babe, quickly signed on to Perry’s plan: “I only wish I thought of it first. Just think, in one fell swoop we could eliminate Social Security, Medicare, the EPA, and all those other boondoggles. Plus I wouldn’t have to listen to that queer Barney Frank and his rants about the middle class. The middle class is just fine. They have their NASCAR, McDonalds, and Walmart, everything for the good life.”

Perry said that all government programs would be turned over to the private sector, which would eliminate the need for lobbyists: “Those K-Street types would no longer have to bribe Congress with campaign money. Katy, bar the door! Think how much this would add to the bottom lines of all the oil companies in my state.”

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By Pete Grossman

Detroit, MI (INS) Today Ford officially announced it’s premiere car for the twenty-tweens, the new Ford “Eh,” the “Kinda Car that just gets you by.” Nothing exciting. No bells and whistles. Standard gas engine. Very plain looking. Just plain eh.

“We considered naming the car ‘Meh,’ but that’s just too interesting,” says Ford spokesperson Dirk Schlock. “Meh has too much emotion behind it, so we went with ‘Eh.’ I really think it strikes today’s zeitgeist with our present ‘Who gives a shit,’ attitude that’s prevalent in our current societal state of mind. How could it miss?”

The “Eh,” a non-discrete compact that only comes in drab green gets eh gas mileage at 22 MPG. You’d think with its compact size you’d get more bang for your buck, but no, it’s just eh.

“We’d really like to see the ‘Eh’ take off,” says Schlock. “Tons of research and millions of dollars have gone into its concept. We are concerned though that its nick name, the ‘Ehdsel,’ echos one of Ford’s most famous flops, the Edsel. But unlike the Edsel at least the “Eh” doesn’t have a big vagina in the front. That’s a plus, I think.”

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By Pete Grossman

White Plains, NY (INS) As we get deep into August, High has once again caught up with us and wants to take us in, so we’re going to succumb to his whim. As we’re going through High once again, stories being developed while we’re checking out his innards include HGTV’s new show “Let’s Move Your Crazy Neighbor,” the rise of the DIY colonoscopy, and that the name “Cialis” is derived from “See Alice,” the name of the girl who got the two boyhood chemists who invented hard-ons for life, excited.

If you’ve got a story we should investigate with our cracked team, please punch it in the comments section below.

We’ll see you after Labor Day, and remember, stay infauxmed!

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Tags: Cialis, colonoscopy, crazy neighbor, crazy neighbors, HGTV, Sex, Viagra
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