By George Held

Indianapolis, IN (INS). The Dick and Jane basal readers will not be revived as previously announced. Education Professor Janet A. Dickens, of IU-Indianapolis, whose research led IU-I Press to consider issuing an updated version of the readers, told INS (Infauxtainment News Service) that “not all constituencies were willing to get on board.”

The Rev. Al Sharpie, a press consultant, issued a brief statement on Dick and Jane: “These little Honkies have done enough damage over the years. In our new age today they must move over for Ozzie and Tonya.” “Or Abdul and Sultana,” added Education Professor Tariq Antimacassar. “Or Ricardo and Juana,” chimed in Education Professor Rita L. Sanchez.

Other difficulties for the project are indicated in a transcript of an exchange between the updated Dick and Jane on Facebook, one of the venues Prof. Dickens first thought would be ideal before she leaked the dialogue to INS:

Dick and Jane on Facebook

Look, Dick, look. Be my friend, Dick. Be my Facebook friend.

Thanks, Jane, thanks. What is Facebook, Jane?

FB lets us write, Dick. Write to me on FB, Dick.

I am writing to you now, Jane. Write back to me, Jane.

Please confirm you are my friend, Dick. Please confirm, Dick.

Tell me more, Jane. Jane, tell me more.

Just be my friend, Dick. Be my friend, Dick.

I am already your friend, Jane. In real life, Jane.

Don’t be such a dick, Dick. Don’t be such a Dick.

I’ll click Ignore, Jane. Jane, I’ll click Ignore.

Did I tell you what FB means, Dick? What FB really means, you Dick?

No, Jane, no. Tell me, Jane, do.

It means friggin’ bastard, Dick. You are a friggin’ bastard, Dick!

You are an FB too, Jane. A friggin’ bitch, Jane!

I am removing you, Dickhead. You are removed.

THE END

About George Held

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