By George Held

PALO ALTO (INS) – The National Organization of Teachers (NOT) announced today that its members have voted to outsource grading to Numbers Union of Mumbai (NUMB), India, in order to take the pressure from their students’ parents off America’s high-school teachers.

Since grades for the college-bound became the ultimate measure of high-school success, students and their parents have besieged teachers to raise students’ grades. Nothing but an “A” will satisfy a family, and recalcitrant teachers often receive abusive phone calls, feces on their doorsteps, and death threats. As a result, some schools have replaced grades with written evaluations, while others have abandoned rating their students altogether.

Now NOT members have voted to send test scores and essay grades, along with written evaluations, over the Internet to NUMB, where operatives will use algorithms and other formulas to process the data in computers to produce a satisfactory individualized grade for every student.

NOT president Ferdy Duke told INS (Infauxtainment News Service) that his members almost universally support the new move. “Teachers will now be able to relax again in front of the TV on school nights, and teacher recruitment will soar anew as ed schools focus on the three main reasons to become a teacher—June, July, and August,” he said.

Asked about opposition to the NOT plan, Mr. Duke, 39, minimized it, saying with a wave of the hand, “Just a few disgruntled older teachers who assume that it’s actually our responsibility to grade our students’ ability and performance. But the majority of NOT members know that our main job is to keep taxpayers happy and certify our product for college. Outsourcing grades to India will help to keep the education machine humming smoothly.”

About George Held

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