By George Held

Tokyo, (INS). Kanichiro Sato, Japan’s Minister of Accountability, announced today that the Government has appointed a committee of corporate executives to consider reinstating the practice of seppuku, or ritual suicide, for business leaders whose firms have behaved dishonorably. In the past, dating to Medieval times, Japanese samurai adhered to a code that required seppuku to atone for sin and failure or other loss of face. The last famous suicide was performed by the novelist Yukio Mishima, in 1970.

Mr. Sato hinted that the recent charges of negligence and deception among executives of Toyota Motor Company, the world’s largest automaker, had returned the idea of seppuku to public favor. “The overwhelming question,” he said, “is how dishonorable acts can best be punished in order to rebuild confidence in Japanese products. The threat of mandatory seppuku might help to restore honor to its traditional place in Japan, and perhaps throughout the world.” American CEOs, take note.

Already NBC has begun to explore televising ritual suicide in reality show format but in real time. Leslea Bing, a network spokesperson, explained that seppuku, which means “stomach cutting” or suicide by disembowelment, traditionally took place in public, with the penitent dressed in white. “We believe that a program in HDTV and living color would produce the kind of splash that guarantees high ratings during Sweeps Week,” Ms. Bing said.

Roger Ailes, head of FOX TV, said his network would compete hard for rights to any public suicides, hangings, or celebrity orgies. “We are ready to assign our top announcing team of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman to cover the first hara-kiri show in Tokyo” if FOX wins live telecast rights. Stay tuned for future blood-letting among the networks.

About George Held

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